Total ramblings of a nutbar

So here I sit, in Victoria for my sisters wedding, surrounded by family, and yet I almost feel alone. I don't know a lot of these people and the ones I do, I don't know very well. I sit watching them chat and kibbitz and laugh at jokes, and I feel like an outsider. I guess this comes from not growing up with any of them and not getting to have them as a big part of my life.

To clarify, I was adopted when I was 2. When I was 26, I found my birth father. During this process, I discovered that I have a younger sister and brother, a step-mother, various aunts and uncles, and grandparents. The issue is that I now have to get to know these people, and get filled in on 26 years worth of family history. It's been a bit of a bumpy road.

The other piece of the issue is that I haven't seen any of these folks in 3 years. Most of them live in BC, and I don't have the money to get out here as often as I would want to. I do talk to my father a lot, and he treats me like the other kids. I love him for it. The rest all treat me like family too, but today I guess I feel like the new girlfriend someone has brought to a family wedding and then left alone to fend for themself.

Just feeling a little lonely tonight. I don't have Brian here to help shore me up.

SO, it's been a while, and I haven't really had much to say............ well, ok, let me rephrase that. I had a lot to say, but it would have sounded like whining, and I don't want to go there. Needless to say, things have been rather interesting around here again. I guess I just don't really want to go into it. Therefore, on to other things.

Raz and I are moving i a little over a week. To the West end, in a nice quiet area with lots of kids and a couple good schools. The schools is because I am finally bringing my daughter to live with us on a permanent basis. It's going to be an interesting learning process going from a part-time to a full-time mom again, but things with her father have not been going well for either of them this past year, and so, I decided it was time to change the pattern. SHe's a good kid, she just needs to live in a house where she is understood and treated like a responsible person. She's only 11, I know, but she is old enough to start to learn about taking care of herself.

This does mean that I am going to become more of a home-body than I am now, but it'll be worth it. She is VERY important to me.

Other then that, things are still crazy. Nothing really new there. My sleep pattern still has yet to regulate itself. I' getting used to being tired all the time. I think I'm going to go see my doc about a few things related to it soon though. Just need to do it on a day off.

Nothing else, really.

So, I get all stressed out about a final that I'm supposed to be writting this morning, Tuesday the 21st of April. I get up early, make sure I have stuff to do review on before the exam begins, and head off to school. I get here, buy a coffee and muffin, then go find the classroom. The lights are off, the door is open, and there isn't anyone sitting outside of it. Now I don't know about you guys, but to me, this is odd. I think about it for a second, grab all my stuff ad hoof it over to the exam lists posted up in the cafeteria hallway. I look for my class section, and then swear.

I wrote down the wrong day! Right class room, right time, wrong day. I even double check my cell phone to be sure. Yup, wrong day. I'm 24 hours early!

Well, the bright side is that I now have more time for review. The down side is that I feel like I should be quadruple checking to be sure I am not missing my exam simply because I couldn't read this morning.

Now, I go through this every semester. I show up for an exam, and feel like I have the imformation written down wrong. I double check, and then feel stupid for second guessing myself.

At least I wrote down a day earlier rather than a day later. I would feel like a real idiot if I had written down the day after my exam......... ugh!

Anyway, I do have one this afternoon, so wish me luck!

With only 2 weeks of classes left, I'm startig to get frantic. I feel like I don't have enough time to get everything done, and yet, I can't seem to figure out where to start first. My other major obstacle right now it the 18 articles, I need to read and do a lit review on for a 17-20 page research proposal that's due on the 14th. It's the last assignment I have for he semester, but it's a lot of reading to do right before finals.

Feeling a little overwhelmed again.

Other things are starting to pile up on me too. Possible store transfer again, stuff with the kid, moving again soonish, trying to fdigure that out, possibly buying a house but maybe not........... gah! It never seems to end! Just getting really tired ot trying to be everywhere and do everything.

I need a vacation!

Yeah, so finances are a bit of a pain in the ass right now, but Raz and I are hoping that we can find a way to deal with them once and for all and get some of the creditors off our backs. I'm not going to go into it here, because I don't want to discuss our financial situation over the internet. And besides, you guys don't really need to know.

I'm going to talk about the discussion in one of my classes last week. As most of you know, I'm taking a class called Deviance, Conformity, and Social control in Canada. I love this class. It's full of really good discussions and topics, lots of varying opinions, and often times, makes us laugh. The prof has all sorts of cool stories to tell, and really seems to enjoy hearing us argue about things in class, as long as we're on topic. This makes for an enjoyable experience.

One of the topics we talked about last week was religion and cults. We went really in depth into some of the cults out there, and some of these guys are Fucking Nuts! For example:

Aum Shinrikyo (Supreme Truth)

these guys have taken aspects of 2 very different religions and mashed em together in a way that makes me giggle. They take pieces of Christianity ad Buddhism, and throw the rest of it out. They also used peices of Hinduism. The Hindu Goddess Shiva is their main deity! But they ignore the part where she is the goddess life and death, and only focus on the death part. The guy that leads them believes that he is the reincarnation of christ, and that he has the ability to forgive sins and take away bad Karma. He sees other Japanese religions, Judaism, and Freemasons as cnspiring against him, and thinks the British royal family and the US are the Beast from the catholic book of Revelations.

Now, don't you feel better about yourself having read this? I take a look at the things going on in my life and giggle a little bit because I might be a littl nuts, but these guys are completely done. They have no sanity left in their heads!

Just my opinion!

I can't remeber the last time I posted. I have no idea if anyone oter than those I talk to on a rather constant basis know whats going on or not.

I'll just assume that most everyone knows, and go from there.

So, things are a bit better. Raz finally got some input back from WCB. They paid him out for the month plus he was off, and we have managed to pay the rent for both Feb and March! Yay for not getting evicted. School is going ok, not as good as I would like, but I've discovered that I'm the reason for that, not anythig else. I've been spending less time on study than I should, and was stunned at my mid term marks. It kinda kicked my brain into gear, although it's still working on getting into full swing. I have a lot of work ahead of me in the next month and a half, and then I find out if I get to keep going.

I intend to be able to keep going.

Anyway, looks like things on the home front in terms of living quaters might be changing for the good, but I'm not going to say anything until it's official. As it is, after the rude awakening Raz and I got a few weeks ago, we have decided that we need to get the hell out of this neighborhood. We looked at a few places, and think we might have found a nice little townhouse for rent on the west end, not to far from my duaghters school. The plan is to have her move in with us permanently this summer, and in order to do that, we need more space and a less skeezy niehgborhood. This little place is perfect. Nice quiet area, townhouses, and schools nearby. We'll have to see.

Ayway, aside fro my usual inability to sleep well, thing are about normal. Work, school, homelife, not much time with friends, but hey. Things are ok.

Why I'm so bloody tired all the time. I try to sleep, and I can't seem to get enough. My eyes are always bloody shot, even when I get out of bed in the morning. I think it's time to try something to help me sleep. I've been thinking about going and talking to my doc about sleeping aides. Nothing serious, just something that will help me fall asleep and stay that way for 8 hours. This is really starting to affect my home and work and school life. I need to get this under control!

So, I'm sitting on campus in the LRC, trying to do some studying for the mid-term I have this after noon, but can't help looking up whenever someone walks by. I realize now that the place I have chosen to work in is not the best place to sit and try to do work, but it is a good place for a bit of a study in those refered to as my peers. I've noticed a very strange, yet still very much "normal" collection of people.

So far, I've had the typical pretty girls, dressed in as little as they can get away with for school, or wearing the latest fashion fad. The long haired metal heads have been reprsented. The normal kids who are actually here to learn despite the fact they are dressed in the high priced stuff you know mommy and daddy bought for them. There are a fair number of "freaks and geeks", all walking around in some sort of attire that makes them stand out just a bit,but not in the "cool" way. Of course, the international and religious crowd are represented as well.

I guess I don't mind seeing this. It's what makes for interesting viewing around here, as well as a very diverse set of opinions.

I don't really know where I was going with this...............

Looks like things aren't as dire as I thought they were. I went and talked to the building manager for our place today, and she gave us a couple of options which do NOT include eviction! This kind of info makes me less worried. It seems we have a bit of breathing space, not a huge amount, but a bit is better than nothing!

I'll let you guys know more when I know more.

So, once again, just throwing something up to let people know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Just busy as always. School is going well. I'm enjoying most of my classes. I've been trying a bit harder to keep myself up to date on the reading I need to get done, and the fact that I like the classes and understand what we're talking about in them helps.

Today for example. We're reading Johnathan Swift's "a modest proposal" for Comp Lit. It makes me giggle because I know it's satirical, ar at least I think it is....... We're going to try and analyze it in depth in class today. Right after that, I have Deviance and Conformity. I like my prof. He's very straight-forward and has a really cool way of looking at things. He's also really big into having the class involved in the lecture. The textbook is pretty easy reading too.

My prof for Experimental Psych seems a little green to me, but I like her. She tries realy hard to keep the mood in the classroom light, and it helps. The subject matter so far is pretty easy, and all our assignments in the class are linked together. We have to come up with our own research question and draw up the proposal over the course of the semester. We do have to do a presentation in front of the class, but when have I ever backed down from being in front of people?

My Philosophy class is a bit of a stretch. Our prof has a pretty tough accent to deal with, but she's very enthusiastic. I'm a little lost so far, because I have no idea where she is getting some of the stuff she says about our readings, but..........

I guess it helps to have a more positive outlook on things. Makes the work load a little less daunting. I have a lot of papers I have to write this semester. 3 research ones, but I think I can handle this. I just need to keep going with the choice to focus on school rather than other less important things.

Wish me luck guys!

So, as most of you know, I was put on accademic probation last semester because my grades weren't high enough. What this meant was that I had 3 months to pull my AGPA up to a 2.0 so I could stay in school, and as most of you have heard, I didn't manage to do that. I looked at my alternatives, and figuring it was only going to be a matter of time, I asked to be promoted to and ASM position with EB. This was good for me. I was making money, and had, basically full time work.

One of the things I was told during a conversation with the Student Advisor for the BA program was that I would be sent a letter from the college asking me to withdraw. This letter never arrived, and so, yesterday, the first day back after the winter break, I called and asked aout it. I was informed that there was something that needed to be cleared up at the registrars office, and that she would call me back as soon as she knew anything. I missed her call later in the day, but called her bright and early this morning.

To find out that I didn't need to withdraw from classes.

Because I'm taking a full year class, they weren't going to be avaluating my AGPA until that class ended in APRIL!!!! Not in December, like I was led to believe. This discovery lead to my being very upset and not knowing what to do. If I satyed with EB as the ASM< I would not be able to reapply for 1 full year, and then it would be for the following Sept. which would mean I'd be out of school for at least 20 months. Not a feasible idea in my head. To long away from it makes it harder for me to go back. I have a hard enough time with it as it is.

Anyway, I talked to a few people about it, and got opinions about what I should do. Then Raz and I had to talk. It took about 10 mintues for us to make the decision. Sadly, he "caed" when I started crying and telling him that sc hool was what I wanted to do.

So, Here I go again, 2 days into the semester, to try and pull up my AGPA. I'm going to need help from those who have been successful at school to help me figure out how to study effectively, and to learn the material. I'll be making use of the student resource center on campus to help me as well. I need this to work, as this is my last chance!

Who's with me?






~cricket noises~





anyone? please? i have cookies?

I have now been named the official ASM for the West end store of EB games. This means a pay increase, as well as a stress increase. During this time, I'll need to figure out how to work a night class or something like that into my schedule, and continue with my education in that form. At least that door is still open to me.

What I need to do now is talk to the college as I have yet to get my letter telliong me that I have been withdrawn. I've got my student finance money sitting in my account (set aside and unspent) not sure what I should be doing with it. I've got to call them tomorrow and find out what I need to do. This aughta be fun!

Other then that, things are about normal. New years was fun. I hope those who were here enjoyed themselves to. Work is slowing down, which means I and my staff will have time to get our store into shape again. It looks like a bomb went off in it. But thanks to a very tall empoyee, it's starting to get better.  He's very obsessive about the area behing the counter, drives him nuts when he can't see the floor back there. (me too, BTW)

that's about all right now.............Kinda boring, I know.

It's been a very long couple of weeks. I've been trying to deal with school, work, and being sick. None of which are really condusive to letting me sleep. To those who either don't know or don't remember, when I get sick, I sleep alot. I've been doing that a lot this past week and a half to the point where it's almost impossible for me to get out of bed most mornings. The other half of the problem is that I end up not being able to get to sleep until 2, 3, 4 in the morning. Thsi sucks when you have to be up at 8 to get to class. As a result, I have missed a few classes. Nothing I really can't get caught up on, but I still feel guilty for not being able to make it.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel better, and therefor seem to be able to fall asleep at a better time. Or at least I did last night. Here's hoping this trend continues........

In other news, I have only 2 weeks of class left this semester. ACK! Then I have finals! I'm doing much better this year so far than I was last year, so I feel a little better about going in to finals this semester. We'll have to see what the exams bring.

I shook a Servicemans hand today, and had to hold back tears. I'm not sure why, but it was very humbling for me. He then said something after that that surpirsed me. He looked me in the eye and said "It's after 11, you know." I replied that I knew, but that I wanted to thank him anyway, no matter what time it was. The rest of my day passed in a blur, but that stood out for me. I also could not help but notice the number of uniforms walking the streets today. I also could not help but notice the medals pinned to the chest of those in uniform. I can only imagine what those brave men and women went through to get them, but I know that I should be more greatful than I am the other 364 days of the year.

These people fight for our right to be a free and Bitchy nation of free and bitchy, cranky assholes. The only thing they ask for is one day of recognition? Deosn't seem fair to me. They deserve sooooooo much more, but most of the time, we are to wrapped up in the rest of life going on that we forget to say thanks. Now, I see a lot of the men and women from the garrison and base when I'm at work. They are kinda easy to spot, ya know? Polite manners, the guys all have the same haircut, and they all have the same wallet. I feel a kind of respect deep down each time I recognize the breed. They deserve more than the deep down feeling, unexpressed. Just not sure how to express it without sounding like a freak, or like I'm being sarcastic.

Just a though about this day. Hope you all had thoughts somewhat similar.

So, the day was interesting! School...... some pretty decent costumes, but not very many. Got home and sat down in front of my sewing machine to frantically finish my costume. Got it done, but not shiny! Need to take it apart and do a bit of revamping to it. It worked though, and I thought I looked good in it. Burbs was a lot of fun. The burlesque was pretty good. The company was good, and the music was good. It was really nice to see so many people out last night. Haven't seen a few of you in weeks, even months. There were a few old ghosts there last night, but I think I managed to exorcise them from myself fairly well. 

All in all, I had a good time! Thanks to all for joining us, and for hanging out! Hope we cann all do it again soon!  

Or at least as normal as I get.... School seems better today, but that could be because I finished and handed in the stats assignment from hell! Gods it was long! I wasted at least 2 trees doing it! Should get a pretty decent mark on it. Been doing pretty well in that class this year as opposed to last years disasterous attempt.

On the whole, my marks in all my classes are ok. I could be doing better in my Biopsychology class, but DAMN that class is tough! I need to focus on it a bit more. The other ones are ok. Looks like I have managed to pull myself out of the academic probation I got myself into last year.

On a lighter note, I'm SOOOOOOO..... looking forward to tonights fun. I have my costume almost finished, just needs a few finishing touches, and I'll be able to wear it tonight. Angel is coming over later tonight to help me with makeup, and then off to the partay we go! Need to go pick up nylons! Gotta remember that!

Ok, enough of the all over the place today. gonna go find something to distract me!

Later kids!

So, I woke up this morning to head off to class normally. nothing was really bothering me. I got in the shower, started to shampoo my hair, and then remembered that I have an assignment due this morning, and I haven't gotten it done yet. I forgot all about it. This is a problem! ( and now I rant about school...... )Just tired of feeling like I don't belong at a school that prides itself on having so many mature students.

Ok folks. I know it's short notice, but I wanted to let people know that I'm having an Epicure party at my place this Saturday night at 7 pm. Eveyone is welcome to join me, and you are more than welcome to bring a guest if you like. Just please let me know if you are going to be here and if you are bringing someone so I can plan to try and have enough seating/bevvies and the like.

Just a quick warning, I do have 2 cats, so if you are allergic, please either take something or ask me for a catalogue. I can put them away upstairs, but there will still be cat dander to contend with.

Thanks guys. And let me know as soo as you can!

So, things have been pretty crazy on the Home front. Raz and I have been working a lot, and that tends to cut in to our other people time. We barely see each other as it is, let alone our friends. Due to this being much to crazy for me to deal with while trying to be a full time studnet, I have told my boss at Bellissima that I will be giving her my notice. I can't do it anymore, and to be honest, I have started to hate the job. She understood, but is sad to see me go.

Raz and I hve booked off the coming weekend to try ad find some sanity, sleep, and a clean house. We plan to do nothing huge. Course, I will have to do some studying, but this is the joy of being a student. It never ends until Finals, and then it starts up again for 4 more months. Remind me again why I wanted to do this?

Family life has had it's share of ups and downs. My ex husband is once again making me regret letting him have our daughter live with him. Raz and I have been dscussing the option of bringing her to live with us next summer, but it's a lot of changes. It's not something to just jump into and figure out as it happens. We need to have a plan inmind to make it work, and that will take us some time to figure out. Thankfully, we have 8 months to sit down and talk it through. Here's hoping!

Well, that's about it from me. I'll fill you guys in on the rest as it happens. Love to all, and I miss you guys!

Ok, I take it back.He does know how to do simple math, he just has issues with the language barier. Unfortunately, he girls I have to sit behind have not changed. They are still distracting and silly. Very young, right out of high school and I think still think they are in it.